Cartea lui Ken Follett, The Pillars of the Earth, nu e noua dar abia acum mi-a cazut în mâna. O fascinanta descriere a vietii unor pietrari ai Angliei secolului al XII-lea plina de violenta si anarhia acelor vremuri. Nu am reusit s-o las prea des din mâna în ciuda marimii impresionante (are vreo mie de pagini). Pentru mine a reprezentat o descoperire frumoasa, mai ales ca sînt interesat de istorie. Iar nuvele despre viata feudala din Anglia secolului al XII-lea, în afara de Ivanhoe al lui Walter Scott, n-am prea citit. Iar faptul ca istoria se învârte în jurul unor mesteri, ai unor constructori de catedrale ai antichitatii Evului Mediu o face si mai frumoasa.

***

The Pillars of the Earth de Ken Follett

Tom had worked at a cathedral once – Exeter. At first he had treated it like any other job. He had been angry and resentful when the master builder had warned him that his work was not quite up to standard: he knew himself to be rather more careful than the average mason. But then he realized that the walls of a cathedral had to be not just good, but perfect. This was because the cathedral was for God, and also because the building was so big that the slightest lean in the walls, the merest variation from the absolute true and level, could weaken the structure fatally. Tom’s resentment turn to fascination. The combination of hugely ambitious building with merciless attention to the detail opened Tom’s eyes to the wonders of craft. He learned from Exeter master about the importance of proportion, the symbolism of various numbers, and the almost magical formulas for working out correct width of the wall or the angle of a step in a spiral staircase. Such things captivated him. He was surprised to learn that many masons found them incomprehensible.

(…)

The master builder was a great craftsman but an incompetent organizer. He was completely baffled by problems of obtaining the right quantity of stone to keep pace with the masons, making sure that the blacksmith made enough right tools, burning lime and carting sand for mortar makers, felling trees for carpenters, and getting enough money from the cathedral chapter to pay for everything. So in the end, the cathedral ran out of money – partly because of the master builder mismanagement – and the craftsmen had to move on, looking for work elsewhere.

Cînd mi-am comandat pe Amazon The Obama Diaries, indus în eroare de câteva comentarii laudative citite pe net, nu stiam cine este Laura Ingraham. Cartea parea a fi o satira extrem de misto scrisa la adresa familiei presedintelui SUA, un soi de jurnal fictiv tinut de Barack, Michelle si apropiatii lor. Dupa ce am primit cartea si am citit-o din scoarta în scoarta, mi-a parut rau dupa banii aruncati.

Autoarea The Obama Diaries este un radio host conservator din aceeasi tagma cu Rush Limbaugh. Si stim cu totii (aia care urmaresc viata politica americana) ce amuzant este Rush Limbaugh. Cam în acelsi gen e Laura Ingraham numai ca e blonda, tânara si poarta fusta.

Sub pretextul unui jurnal ‘’satiric’’, Laura Ingraham se dezlantuie la adresa familiei prezidentiale si a democratilor cu niste argumente care m-au pus în fund. Pe lânga lirismul retoric si declaratii patriotarde,  care explica foarte bine de ce înca mai exista rednecks în America al autoarei cartii, Vadim Tudor ar trebui felicitat pentru discretie oratorica si limbaj retinut. Autoarea foloseste asa numitul jurnal pentru a-si declara iubirea fata de America, credinta în ‘’a contry like no other in history of mankind’’ si alte crezuri care explica superb cam ce e în capul unor sustinatori feroce ai partidului republican. Cartea e plina de capitole cu titluri care de care mai sugestive: Why we’re great sau America’s exceptionalism.

Din pacate, cumparasem cartea asa ca am rezistat stoic pâna la sfarsit. Aceasta aparitie editoriala este atât de noua încât în carte se face referire la filmul Green Zone cu Matt Damon, care abia a aparut pe DVD. Care film este bineînteles desfiintat pe motiv ca pelicula ‘’casts America as the aggressor and goes out of its way to portray an Iraqi general in a compassionate light’’.

Pacat de jurnalul fictional propriu-zis! Daca s-ar fi limitat la el, cartea ar fi fost chiar misto de citit.

***

The Obama Diaries de Laura Ingraham

The Diary of First Lady Michelle Obama (January 21, 2009)

I’ve got to tell you, making history is exhausting. After the parade and balls and the Jonas Brother’s drop-by, I am now stuck in this drafty white mausoleum of a house, arranging bedrooms! I’d like to see Barack get five people situated in a new house overnight.

This morning I am sitting with Mama at the breakfast table in my robe, just worn out, and Barack walks in all spiffed up, giving me that ‘’The First Lady have big plans today?’’ jazz. I threw my newspaper down, looked him straight in the eyes and said ‘’Listen, buddy, you go arrange the girls’ bedrooms and I’ll go meet with national security team, okay? Believe me, that’s easier. And I probably know more about national security than you!’’

He didn’t say a word. When he tried to quietly slink away, Mama gave him the evil eye and said, real loud, ‘’This First Lady’s got bigger plans than you’ll ever have, string bean!’’ Even the servants were laughing.

I begged those Bushes to let us stay at Blair House, the White House guest residence, after the election and bring our things in slowly. But noooo! They had ‘’dignitaries to accommodate’’. So we were cooped up like refugees over at Hay-Adams where they even didn’t had conditioner in the bathroom. The Bushes should have gotten the hell out of this house after the election and let us move in. We’re historic! Mrs. Literacy and Mr Illiterate should have gone to a hotel. Didn’t they already had their eight years?

***

Cum spuneam, jurnalul fictional mi se pare amuzant. Din pacate, doar câteva pagini sînt scrise în acest fel iar restul sînt declaratii patriotarde puturoase despre maretia Americii si rolul sau de lider în lumea civilizata.

Ïn August 2009 un tip de 28 de ani, Justin Halpern, ajunge prin forta împrejurarilor sa locuiasca iarasi cu parintii sai în San Diego. Tatal sau este la 74 de ani un tip care spune întotdeauna ce gândeste si cînd o spune, de obicei o face lata. Justin porneste un cont Twitter (care este înca activ), @shitmydadsays unde publica regulat ziceri de-ale tatalui tau. ïn câteva luni, feedul este descoperit de un comic american, Robb Corrdry, care-l promoveaza prin retweet. Ïn câteva zile Justin Halperin devine o celebritate, este invitat la emisiuni de TV iar contul sau de Twitter este mentionat de The Daily Show si de actrita Kirsten Bell. Dupa care audienta lui expodeaza.

Cum în America o asemenea poveste nu avea cum sa ramâna fara urmari, lui Justin Halpern i s-a propus un contract pt a scrie o carte. Sh*t my dad says! Cartea e una foarte haioasa si facila iar acest sentiment trebuie ca este împartasit de multi cititori deoarece Sh*t my dad says! troneaza de saptamâni bune pe locul 1 în topul vânzarilor de pe Amazon si în lista Bestsellers 2010 a New York Times. Iar CBS tocmai a cumparat drepturile de ecranizare si intentioneaza sa lanseze un sitcom în toamna lui 2011 cu William Shatner în rolul tatalui lui Justin.

Va ofer mai jos un extras din carte, urmând sa va las sa-l descoperiti voi însiva pe tatal lui Justin.

***

Sh*it my dad says! de Justin Halpern

(…) after my first night home, I crawled out of bed at around 8h30 AM and set up my ‘’office’’ (read: laptop) in the living room, where my dad was watching TV. Michael Jackson had just died and I was working on a comic strip portraying Jesus overlooking the pedophile charges against Michael and letting him into Heaven anyway, because he was such a big fan of the King of Pop. (…) My dad had a hard time understanding that someone sitting in his pajamas and searching through Google images for silly pictures of Jesus Christ was working. So he treated me like I wasn’t.

‘’Why the fuck is Wolf Blitzer talking to me about Michael Jackson?’’ he barked. ‘’The president is in fucking Russia trying to get those sons of bitches to stop with the nukes, and he’s talking to me about Michael Jackson? Fuck you, Wolf Blitzer!’’

Every so often during the day my dad would get fired up about something, bound into the living room or front yard and shout something like, ‘’Are you putting ketchup on that hamburger I made you?’’

‘’Yeah, why?’’

“Why? What the fuck do you mean, why? That’s a gourmet hamburger. This ain’t some horseshit you cook. I spent time on that. Next time, I make shit for you’’

It was good to be home.

S-a terminat vacanta! N-a fost cea mai cea, dar a fost una misto de tot. Doua saptamâni departe de job (am reusit sa ma desprind total), din care cinci zile pe malul Lacului Simon într-o cabana de lemn rotund si pe plaja aferenta au reusit sa ma odihneasca suficient încât sa iau în piept înca 5-6 luni de munca.

Ïn astea doua saptamâni am avut timp sa citesc ca un disperat. Am citit la plaja, seara în cabana, dimineata între micul dejun si plecatul cu barca pe lac în explorari, am citit asteptând prietenii sa ajunga pe plaja sau asteptând familia sa iasa de la vreo toatela de pe autostrada. Nu stiu ce m-a apucat, dar am înghitit sute de pagini de carte. Probabil pentru ca în restul timpului e foarte dificil sa gasesc timp.

Si pt ca s-a terminat vacanta, o sa va povestesc cam cu ce m-am delectat în astea doua saptamâni.

***

A case of exploding mangoes de Mohammed Hanif

O carte superba începuta înainte de vacanta. N-am citit niciodata ceva scris de un musulman (daca nu consider O mie si una de nopti), însa m-a fascinat povestirea si umorul lui Hanif. Cu atât mai amuzat si intrigant cu cât e prima lui carte. Istoria se desfasoara în jurul generalului Zia ul-Haq, conducatorul Pakistanului între 1978 si 1988 si al unui complot de asasinare a acestuia. Povestita la persoana întâi, cartea este exuberanta si chiar face referire într-un mod super misto la Ceausescu si relatia lui cu generalul Zia ul-Haq într-un capitol aparte, chiar daca ceea ce scrie Hanif despre Ceausescu este departe de realitate.

In his relief, he (Zia – n.r) remembered the advise Nicolae Ceausescu had given him at a bilateral meeting on the sidelines of the summit for Non-Aligned Movement. It was one of those meetings when heads of states had nothing to discuss and at which interpreters try to prolong with an elaborate, flowery translation of pleasantries. The two leaders came from contries so far apart and so different that Ceausescu couldn’t even talk to General Zia about boosting bilateral trade, as trade between Romania and Pakistan was nonexistent. And General Zia couldn’t ask for his support on the Kashmir issue because Ceausescu wasn’t likely to know where Kashmir was, let alone what the issues were. There was one fact General Zia knew about that man that did interested him: Ceausescu had been in power for twenty-four years, and unlike any other rulers of his longevity and reputation who couldn’t get an invitation from any decent country, Ceausescu had been welcomed by Secretary-General Brezhnev and by President Nixon and had just been knighted by Queen of Great Britain.

And here he was at the Non-Aligned Movement’s meeting where his country wasn’t even a member. They had given him the observer status but clearly the man knew how to align himself.

General Zia was genuinely impressed and intrigued by anyone who had managed to stay in the office longer than he had. (…) ‘’How have you managed to stay in office such a long time?’’

(…)

Ceausescu spoke for about two minutes, jabbing his fingers, opening and closing the palms of his hands and finally reaching the interpreter’s thigh. He found himself patting the leather folder.

‘’Believe only ten percent of what your intelligence agencies tell you about public opinion. The key is that they should either love you or fear you; your decline starts the day they become indifferent to you.’’

“”How do I know if they are becoming indifferent?’’

‘’Find out firsthand. Surprise them, go out to restaurants, show up at sports matches. Do you have football? Go to football matches, take a walk at night. Listen to what people have to say then believe only ten percent of what they say, because when they are with you, they will also lie. But after they have met you, they are bound to love you and they will tell other people, who will also love you’’

Nu prea seamana cu nea Nicu ala de-l stim noi, right? Dar cui îi pasa? Cartea e fictiune nu document istoric. Nuvela lui Hanif nu este nici politica ci este o poveste a carei actiune se desfasoara în ultimile doua luni si jumatate dinaintea mortii generalului Zia ul-Haq.

La recomandarea Alexandrinei (Lightplay), am comandat pe Amazon ‘’How to be a canadian (Even if already you are one)’’. Mi-a sosit acasa într-o zi si m-a costat 10 CAD cu tot cu transport. N-am apucat înca s-o citesc dar am rasfoit-o vreo cinci minute. Si din alea cinci minute, trei am râs în hohote. Mi se pare una din cele mai haioase (si adevarate) carti despre Canada.

Ah, da. Deja am trei amici care mi-au cerut sa le-o împrumut. Vedem.